


I Don't Want To Feel Blue

by Imnotazombie



Series: Au where Kenma Kozume is Blonde Violet Chachke [2]
Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst, Cigarettes, Drag Queen AU, Drag Queens, M/M, Not Really?, So much angst, Songfic, Unrequited Love, blue marina and the diamonds, im so sorry, kuroo doesnt deserve this, late night at the bar, shot gunning
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-11-26
Updated: 2016-01-10
Packaged: 2018-05-03 12:44:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,045
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5291363
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Imnotazombie/pseuds/Imnotazombie
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Kozume took another drag of his cigarette.<br/>His girl clothes were still half on, untucked but still had his extensions in. He thought he wasn't anything to look at- but to Kuroo Tetsuro who stepped outside to follow, to pretend the need for nicotine was stronger than he was- Kozume looked beautiful. With red lips but still no eye lashes, half of Vivian was still there.<br/>"Hey."</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. I Said Goodbye When I Shouldn't of Said it

**Author's Note:**

> We've broken up, and now I regret it  
> I said goodbye when I shouldn't of said it  
> I even cried, but i never meant it  
> And I don't know why but I cant forget it

     While inside the bar loud music played, the outside was dark and cruel.  
     The cool winds of late October sent chills down Kozume's spine, the only warmth he was provided with held inside the cigarette between his lips. He had stopped watching Sho, because the way he stared at this new stranger killed him. The fact that Shoyo planned out the day he was going to bring this man back to the dorm was maddening- the idea that he just wanted to go home and take a nap swirled inside him. He didn't want to fuck that night. And he knew Tetsuro would try, poor Kuroo would. Kozume wouldn't be in the mood and the poor man would be so disappointed.  
     Kozume took another drag of his cigarette.  
     His girl clothes were still half on, untucked but still had his extensions in. He thought he wasn't anything to look at- but to Kuroo Tetsuro who stepped outside to follow, to pretend the need for nicotine was stronger than he was, Kozume looked beautiful. With red lips but still no eye lashes, half of Vivian was still there.              "Hey."  
     Tetsuro's voice was low, and Kozume was aware of just how much lower it could go. He didn't respond beyond a nod in his direction as he pulled out his phone, taking another long drag from the cancerous stick between his teeth. Tetsuro came so close to Kozume their shoulders were touching, and he could feel the warm breath on his neck when he asked,  
     "Can I bum a smoke?"  
     Kozume just nodded again, pulling out his pack of menthols and offering one to him. He knew Tetsuro carried his own lighter. And so he lit it with practice, closing his eyes as he took in the smoke and exhaled through his nostrils. The air that came from him made him look like a dragon. The air around the two was tangible, and could be cut with a knife.  
     "You love him, don't you?"  
     Kozume closed his eyes, took another breath, exhaled and pressed a stilletoed toe against the nub he dropped.  
     "'Bye."  
     He started off towards the door, wanting nothing more than to leave the situation. Was he in love with Shoyo? Was Tetsuro even talking about Sho? He felt a hand grab at his wrist. He was spun around to face Kuroo, his dark hair making one eye disappear in a field of black and brown.Tetsuro inhaled one last time, the nicotine sitting in his mouth, before dropping the half good cig on the ground. He grabbed Kozume's jaw with his other hand, and pressed their mouths together obscenely, blowing the smoke into the other’s lungs.  
     "Because I-" Tetsuro started  
     "Don't fucking say it," The man half out of drag stared at the other, daring him to keep on talking.  
     "I-"  
     "-You have no idea what you're talking about. You never will. There is no way you could possibly understand!" The blonde cut off the man a second time.  
     "I want to though." Kozume wasn't expecting that. Arguments ended in rough sex that preceded naked smoke breaks. But never, ever, had Tetsuro looked at him at the way he did now. Never did he think that Kuroo would want to understand.  
     "You walk around saying you don't need love, and told me that I wasn't allowed to fall for you-"  
     "Shut up-"  
     "Let me talk!"  
     Tetsuro _yelled_. His voice was getting lower, he was getting frustrated. Kozume could read him like a book. He knew just what to say to make him just mad enough, he knew what to do to make shivers run down Tetsuro’s spine. They had been fucking on and off and on again for two years. Yet never had he seen Tetsuro genuinely yell at him.  
     "I need to know if you love him."  
     "I don't know what you're talking about." It was a blatant lie. Kozume knew exactly who Tetsuro was talking about.  
     "Hinata. Your roommate. You love him."  
      "Stop throwing around the word love like that- it doesn't apply to this scenario at all."  
     "So you can say you don't with a clear conscience?"  
     Kozume hesitated, and it was all Tetsuro needed to know for sure. The hand gripping the blonde's jaw fell, but the hand holding his wrist squeezed tighter.  
     "Why did you need to know so badly?" Was whispered under Kozume's breath.  
Silence fell between the two, not a hesitating silence- or even a tangible one. This silence was simply quiet, a moment for the two to gather their thoughts and not act on impulse.  
     “Because _I_ love you.”  
     Kozume felt his heart drop to the very pit of his stomach, and he suddenly wanted to throw up. He became so much more aware to the hand gripping his wrist tight enough to bruise- he wanted to run.              Kenma Kozume wanted to run for the hills because he may just love his best friend, and the man he had been fucking for the better part of two years loved him too. He wanted to run and never turn back, because if he turned around he’d see both of their faces looking back at him.  
     He could tell Kuroo regretted it too, just by the way his eyebrows furrowed as he gauged his reaction. His dark hair obscured one eye, but the other revealed every emotion in him. Tetsuro was filled with remorse, of the loss of the person he loved. If he had lied, right then, he would still have had him.  
     But, ladies and gentlemen, he didn’t.  
In a panicked state, Kozume tore the hand on his wrist off of him- he wanted to cry, he wanted to shut down and scream at that very chilly night in October. Yet he just stepped back slowly, eyes as wide as a wild man. His breathing grew more forced, more painful to breath in the air he needed in his lungs. He turned to walk away- where he went, he didn’t care- when Tetsuro said his name, in a pathetic voice.  
     "Kozume, please,” He bit his lip, trying his hardest to not let the tears threatening to spill fall. He knew if he cried his one chance would fall to nothing.  
     “I know you have nowhere else to go tonight. Please, Kozume, just come and stay. Just for the night, let me-”  
     “Kenma. It’s Kenma, now.” That tear fell from Tetsuro’s eye, and god did he wish it hadn’t. He wished he hadn’t because when Kenma saw the shimmering reflection of the wet track on his cheek, under the dim glow of the bar light, he began to cry too. He only made it a few feet from where he had stood from him a moment ago, where Tetsuro held his bruising wrist. That space was closed by the dark haired man when he noticed the man he loved’s shaking shoulders. He wrapped his arms tightly around Kenma, absent-mindedly playing with the hair at the end of his ponytail and whispering into his dark roots.  
     "It hurts, Kuroo, it fucking hurts-” Tetsuro shushed him, pulling the boy closer to him.  
     “I’m sorry, i know-i know it hurts but you can’t wander the streets until the early hours of morning, not in the state you’re in.” Another silent sob shook Kozume violently. Tetsuro knew there would be make up and tear stains all over his coat, but he couldn’t bring himself to care.  
     "How about you take a shower at my place, and after tonight you will never have to see my ugly mug again.”  
     That same, tangible silence.  
     "That’s the issue,” Kozume took a deep, shuddering, breath,”I-I do want to see your ugly mug again.”  
     A heart breaking silence, Kozume tapping Tetsuro’s chest, trying to break free of his hold. With much remorse, Kuroo let the blonde boy out of his arms.  
     “I don’t hate you, and that is the entirety of this issue. I-It would be so much easier if i could just _hate you_ for this.” Kozume pressed his fingers into his temples, and laughed in spite of himself.  
      "But I don't."  
     Kuroo’s heart pounded in his chest, hoping that it would lead him somewhere. Where would he go if he followed the drum of his own blood pounding? A part of him knew it would always let him find his way back to Kenma.  
     "And...what does that mean? For us?"  
     "There is no us. Just because I pity you at this moment of time doesn't mean I'm going to fall into your arms."  
     Tetsuro nodded stiffly, wishing that kenma would walk back into his embrace so that he could hold him again. They both had tears falling down their faces still, and both looked at each other with different kinds of remorse.  
     If Kozume went home with Kuroo, he'd never shake him out of his system. He would lead him on, and kenma would run through Tetsuro's veins like clockwork- while Tetsuro would have no part inside of Kenma.  
     Yet if Kenma began walking the streets now, he didn't know if he would make it back home.  
     He could just go home, and be assaulted with the sounds of Shoyo and The Stranger- Tobio. He could crash on the couch and just hear what Shoyo sounded like- getting off to it like the disgusting filth he was.  
     No decision, out of the three, ended without someone getting hurt.  
     He held the fate of his small friend group in his hands, this one night changing everything forever.  
     He kissed Kuroo, and walked off into the night- silently wishing Tetsuro the best in life.


	2. No I don't love you, No I don't care

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> No I don't love you, no I don't care- I just wanna be held when I'm scared-  
> And all I want is, one night with you.   
> Just 'cause I'm selfish- I know it's true

  
     He hid out in the bar for as long as he could, occupying himself with his phone. The back was barren aside from him, and he could hear as people began to leave. Some ran for the bathroom, others stumbling away with their heels in their hand. He didn’t know how long it would take for Kuroo to leave, and all he wanted to do was hide away in that small little area they referred to as the back. He was ashamed for walking away, but it was for the best. Wasn’t it?   
     Yet Tetsuro’s face right after he kissed him for the last time haunted him. The look started joyous, in hope it would mean something more. Then it began to shrink, his face morphing into the same as a kicked puppy. He never wanted to cause somebody that much pain ever again.  
     He put on a coat this time, and though his heart thrummed with the need for more nicotine, he never reached for a cigarette. He washed off his face and took out his extensions, staring at his reflection with hurt and remorse in his eyes. He then looked at the bright screen of his phone, trying to blink away the stinging fogginess in the corners of his vision.   
    **Hey Sho, is it safe to go back into the dorm?**  
     There was only a beat of silence before it vibrated in his hand, the cloud with his response popping up. He didn’t read all of it- he knew half would be endless ramblings about how amazing Tobio was. He managed to scan through and found the two were at Denny’s, and didn’t end up having sex at all.   
     He wanted to laugh out loud at that. He avoided going to his own bed all this time because Shoyo was at Denny’s with this new stranger. Kozume betted that Tobio didn’t even know about how much that little restaurant meant to Sho, he made it a mission to bring everyone important to him to that diner. Shoyo had insisted everything good in his life happened when eating those syrupy pancakes at four in the morning.  
     He opened the door to leave, only to find Kuroo still at the emptying bar. His heart stopped in his chest, and all he could think was to leave. Then he saw the drink in his hand, and felt that same grip from inside of him. The worst part was when they locked eyes, Tetsuro’s face lighting up only to visibly fall once again. Kozume could feel his eyes begin to water again. He tore his gaze away from the man whose heart he had broken, and walked out the door to call a cab.

 

* * *

 

     When he finally made it to his own dorm he stripped down and plopped directly on that bed he loved ever so much, burying himself under mountains of sheets and blankets. He never realized how cold a Saturday night could be without having a big man to wrap around himself.  
     Kuroo and Kenma had been on and off and on again for two years. There were times they spent months without hearing from each other, but this felt incredibly different. There was a finality in Kozume's walking away that made him cringe the next morning- the bed sheets just as cold as when he went to bed the night before.                       He woke to the sound of Shoyo's laugh, the beautiful laugh that sounded like pure light. He realized that he had given up everything for that boy with the gorgeous laugh- and suddenly wished he hadn't. He gave up a man ready and willing to love him for a someone who had found someone else. That hit him like a blow to the head.   
     He made the wrong choice.       
Tears fell down his cheeks, silently announcing that the pain he felt becoming too much to bear. He cried as Shoyo's laugh that sounded like how sunlight feels against skin rang through their dorm. Because even though that laugh made him want to stop crying, knowing that it was directed at the stranger drinking their coffee made the silent sobs shake him harder. The sheets were just too cold and he would never have Shoyo and just how stupid had he been?  
     He cried- first thing he did when he woke up. He cried silent tears, mourning his loss of Shoyo, as well as his loss of the one man who already loved him. Even if he swore he didn’t love him back.  
     When the sound of everlasting joy died in the kitchen, and his tears had stopped he walked on out of his room to get his own cup of coffee. He needed something to get his regret-filled heart out of his stomach. Shoyo and Tobio were frozen mid-playful fight as Kenma stepped in. Shoyo turned his head and smiled wide at his roommate with his elbow still dangerously close to the throat of Tobio. The other’s face was frozen in shock, wide eyes staring at kenma, his arms still making a vain attempt at grabbing the coffee mug in Shoyo’s other hand. The red head handed the cup to Tobio for him to drink, and bounced over to Kenma in such a way that made the blonde wince.   
     "Have you guys properly met yet?”  
Kenma shook his head, but offered a polite gesture when introduced. Kageyama didn’t look like the kind of man Shoyo usually approached, but that stopped mattering. He poured the last bit of coffee out of the pot before turning around and seeing those two watching their tv. He could only look for so long before remembering all he’d risked for a boy who was being held by someone else. He exiled himself back to his room, back to ponder his own thinking.   
      _No more tears._  
     The promise didn’t last long, and he spent the day wallowing in and out of his own misery. When he saw brown eyes his mind supplied him of thoughts of Kuroo, and bed head made him miss the feel of those dark locks in between his fingers- but he swore to god he didn’t love Kuroo. He never did, he missed the familiarity that came with him.   
     Kenma was starting to fear he’d get bored of Tetsuro, but that was before the night he walked away.   
     Maybe it was irony that overcame him the next day, hearing Marina and The Diamonds in his car radio on his way back from the coffee shop, and over to his first class. The circles beneath his eyes had become chiseled out, and he had already given up on washing his hair. But the distant sound of “I-I-I regret it,” rang through his ears, and he was tempted to change the radio station. Yet he didn’t, and listened to Marina’s voice sing through his car.  
     It was too uncanny, the words she sang and the words in his head. Too similar to be real, and yet it was. He found himself making up steps to each syllable, choreographing for Vivian inside his own car.   
    _No I don’t love you, no I don’t care- I just wanna be held when I’m scared._   
     He decided it was different from the other songs Vivian performed, something Dolly would be more likely to dance to. She was more upbeat, more about love and less about lust.   
     It was different, but maybe that was what Vivian needed. For years she sang in others’ voices about one night stands, maybe it was about time she showed some vulnerability. Maybe it was time for Vivian to grow up. But Kozume tapped his fingers against his steering wheel, picturing Kuroo’s face in his mind’s eye. What if he grew the balls and had Vivian perform? Would Kuroo fall into his arms one last night? Would he be mad? Would he not even be there in the audience?  
     Kenma wouldn't let himself entertain that last thought. Through the few classes he had that Monday he doodled Vivian new dresses, new looks. Wondered whether to incorporate steps from the music video or to make it completely his own.   
     Several times he questioned why he even bothered with the thought of performing for Kuroo. Technically, all he had to do was text him and ask where they were. Yet, even the phone that was constantly connected to Kenma’s fingers seemed intimidating. He was bad with words, good with doing. While texting was safer, it wasn't as foolproof as it would need to be to take that risk.   
     He was just dumb enough to practice all throughout that week, and perform on Saturday night.

 

* * *

  


**Author's Note:**

> I love causing my children pain. For those of you who asked for more drag hinata/gay dork tobio im sorry. We still have a couple more back stories to get through.  
> Will Kenma realize what he has done? Did Kuroo deserve any of this? Who here has the same aesthetic as Drag Kenma? Comment below.  
> Follow me on Tumblr and ask more questions about this imnotazombie01.tumblr.com


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